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tfic_contestTitle: The History of Cybertron
Rating: R for minor cursing and sex references.
Characters: Narrator (oc), Unicron, Primus
Pairings: Unicron/Primus, references to Prowl/Jazz and Megatron/Optimus
Universe: 2007 movie
Warnings: References to sex between (perceived as) male alien robots, a few curse words, and a scarred-for-life Narrator.
Words: 1,820 (All dialog)
Disclaimer: Not mine, other than the Narrator.
Summary: The history of Cybertron, with Unicron and Primus!
Author's Note: A quick guide to who's speaking - Narrator, Unicron, Primus.
"In the beginning, there was the Cube...."
"Actually, in the beginning, there was Primus and Unicron. And they had wild monkey sex."
"Unicron!"
"What? We did!"
"Yes, but you can't say that! This is based on a kids' tv show. Keep it clean!"
"I'd like to hear you put it better."
"Umm.... Unicron and Primus joined their essences."
"Our essences? Primus, that sounds kinda kinky...."
"Unicron...."
"Alright, alright. Go on."
"Unicron and Primus joined their essences and from that celestial union came the Cube. And it was square."
"Is 'And it was square' code for 'and it was a pain in the aft to give birth to?'"
"If I say no..."
"I'll call you a liar."
"Fine. Yes."
"May I continue?"
"Certainly."
"Sure, go ahead. Don't let us stop you."
"The Cube summoned metal and energy to itself. And thus was formed Cybertron."
"Cybertron wasn't formed like that."
"No?"
"Nah. Cybertron was formed by Primus folding into a ball and letting his shell-wing things cover him. The Cube forming Cybertron is a bunch of bull."
"..."
"Continue, please."
"The Cube shaped parts of the metal, forming the first Cybertronians and giving them a each a task. The first, Prima, was to rule with her consort, Duatron, beside her. The others were to learn, to teach, to build, to create, and to raise younglings. Thus Cybertronian society began."
"They left out the Fallen! I can't believe it!"
"Vector's missing, too."
"Yeah, but what kinda story is it without warning people about raising the Fallen?"
"Considering that we're not in it, are you really so surprised? Besides, I thought you liked Fallen."
"When you put it that way, no. And I do like Fallen, but getting all my stuff fireproofed is expensive!"
"This version's probably going to skip the Quintessons, too."
"Who?"
"The Quints? A race of squid looking mechanoid things that once enslaved most of Cybertron. Like to accuse people of stupid crimes and sentance them to death despite of the verdict. They've good with lemon and tartar sauce, too."
"....I don't want to know...."
"You ate Quintessa."
"Yup."
"I can't take you anywhere."
"It's Quintessa. It's not like it was someplace important."
"Still, you could've let me know."
"So I have to clear my dinner plans with you?"
"That's not what I meant! I just don't want to be the last to know these kind of things."
"Hey, I'm not the one who chooses to stay in stasis for eons at a time."
"What happens if I move?"
"Quakes, destruction, mechs getting caught in gears... Oh. I see your point."
"Good."
"Now that this little...interlude is over, I'll just return to the History of Cybertron. The thing we're supposed to be focused on."
"Very well."
"....."
"Is something the matter?"
"I... have lost my place. In the book."
"Muwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop that."
"But it's funny!"
"I think I'll pick up with the reign of Nova Prime."
"I remember Nova. Bit of a prick."
"Hey, you chose him."
"Don't remind me."
"A-hem."
"My apologies."
"....Sorry."
"Nova Prime championed the expanding Cybertronian territory into the unexplored space beyond Cybertron's own stellar system. He..."
"Wanted to conquer and enslave all non-Cybertronian races, believing they were inherently less... evolved or valuable than Cybertronians."
"Sounds like Megatron."
"I know."
"Why'd you pick him?"
"Best of a bad lot, really. All of the others who could handle the responsibility and were capable of taking the Matrix were... messed up. Lots of xenophobic and xenocidal mechs and femmes in that batch. Unfortunately, only contact with a sentient organic species could cure that and I don't do organics."
"What about Trion?"
"What?"
"Alpha Trion. If your choices were so bad, why didn't you ask him?"
"Do you know how many times he's turned down the Matrix?"
"No."
"Neither do I. I stopped counting when it got into the thousands."
"Thousands?"
"Yup."
"Damn....."
"Language."
"Primus, the kiddies you're so worried about have probably heard that or worse at school. Me saying it isn't going to hurt anything."
"Still, watch your language."
"Fine! .... I better get some tonight."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Back to Nova Prime, then. Nova Prime encouraged expeditions into uncharted space beyond Cybertron's stellar system. These journeys resulted in massive expansion for the growing Cybertronian Empire. Unfortunately, while commanding a mission of exploration, Nova and his crew vanished. They are presumed dead."
"Memo to me: Get someone to accurately re-write the Cybertronian histories. Make sure they know that Nova's not dead."
"What?"
"I said, Nova's not dead. He un-creatively renamed himself Nemesis Prime, though. Hey Unicron? How many Nemesis Primes have we had?"
"Hmmm.... I've lost count. I think it's the same number as the amount of times Optimus Prime has come back from the dead."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's less than that."
"True. Optimus is metaphysical equivalent of one of those inflatable punching bags with clowns or other characters on 'em. You can't keep him dead!"
"You are exaggerating."
"No, I'm understating."
"Optimus hasn't come back from the dead that many times."
"When was the last time you counted?"
"A while ago..."
"Check the numbers again."
"Fine, but I'm sure it's only the once or twice that I.. .... Hoo-boy. What the slag have you been doing, Optimus?"
"Now who needs to watch their language?"
"Mute it."
"And my corruption of the universe continues. Muwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"That was a good evil laugh."
"Thanks, I've been practicing."
"It sho-"
"Guys! Let's get back on topic - the history of Cybertron."
"Fine, fine. Whatever."
"Very well."
"The next Prime was Sentinel Prime. He was noted for his dedication to justice."
"Ha! If Sentinel had been more dedicated to justice, he would've arrested the Senate!"
"Agreed. I never intended for the Prime to be bound to the Senate and certainly not as tightly as Sentinel was. The Prime serves the law, yes, but the first duty of a Prime is to the citizens of Cybertron. All of the citizens of Cybertron, not just the rich or the powerful."
"But at least his reign was peaceful..."
"Mostly."
"Moving on... Sentinel's successors were Optimus Prime and Megatron, whose rule saw the end of the Golden Age and the start of the Great War."
"Or the big guns!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Look, Cybertronian society - for all that it was mostly peaceful - wasn't exactly stable towards the end of Sentinel's Prime-acy. There was a lot of unseen decay, wide spread corruption, high unemployment, the rich were getting richer and larger sections of the lower classes were getting poorer and poorer. Not a good state for a lasting society."
"I can see that."
"So, Primus sent Opt and Megs in."
"Sent them in?"
"I do choose the Primes and who is sparked when. It wasn't hard."
"Why?"
"Those two... they're our best catalyst for change. And Cybertronian society needed to change, or it'd collapse."
"And that'd be bad. Very bad. Releasing the Fallen bad."
"Unfortunately, the problems were too well entrenched."
"So, we had Megs knock those problems down. And a lot of other stuff, too."
"Optimus' sense self-sacrifice got a bit out of hand, though."
"He was supposed to bond with Megatron, not try to kill himself."
"Blame that one on the Council. The whole 'Primes must be pure' rule is slag. Why do I care if the Prime is bonded or not? It's more a matter of how well they can do their job."
"Next time, give Optimus a few more explicit instructions."
"I might."
"Good."
"As interesting as all this is, can I continue?"
"Yes."
"What I don't get, Primus, is why it's so hard to get those two together."
"Must we do this now?"
"Yes."
"Very well...."
"It should be easier to get Optimus and Megatron together than... oh, say Prowl and Jazz. After all, Optimus and Megatron were originally one spark, way back when we were first making sparks. Correct?"
"Ye~es...."
"So why don't they just kinda 'drift' back together?"
"Besides free will? Not a clue."
"That's it! Next time, I'm locking them in a closet together until they fuck each other."
"Unicron! Language!"
"Fine. Until they "bond" each other. Better?"
"Much."
".... You're not protesting my idea."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I was going to ask if you wanted or needed help with that."
"Oh. .... For a God of Light, you're certainly sneaky."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Right. Moving on.... During the course of the war, Optimus decided that the destruction of Cybertron's most important artifact - the Cube - was preferable to its capture by the Decepticon forces."
"He didn't have a lot of choices, not if he wanted to end the war without genocide."
"True."
"To that end, Optimus sent the source of all Cybertronian life to its doom."
"Funny, I don't feel dead."
"Or to me...."
"Unicron! Quit groping me in public!"
"So I can grope you in private?"
"... Yes. And as often as you'd like."
"Are they really gods or just giant, horny kids?"
"Hey!"
"I heard that!"
"I call 'em like I see them. Now, let's continue... Upon his deactivation, Optimus Prime was succeeded by a young Rodimus Prime. Under the new Prime's command, the Autobots clashed with the Decepticon forces led by Galvatron. Within a few war-filled vorns, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world."
"For now."
"What do you mean, 'for now'? There is no future for the Cybertronians! They wiped themselves out!"
"For now."
"What does that mean?!"
"It means the situation's only temporary. There will be another history of Cybertron soon enough."
"Ok, I've had enough of you both. Come here."
"Wait! What are you d-mumph! Mumph!"
"Did you just duct-tape Primus' mouth shut?"
"Yes."
"Marry me."
"Mumph! Mumph-mumph!"
"You're not serious."
"No, I'm not. Primus is enough mech for me!"
"Mumph...."
"Good."
"Now if you'll excuse us, Mr. Narrator, Primus and I need to work on re-starting Cybertron's history."
"Whatever."
"Let's get your mouth free, Primus. As kinky as this is, I want to hear you scream my name..."
"OW! Unicron, that hurt! Don't you know better than to just rip duct tape off of someone's mouth?"
"We're made of metal."
"... It still hurt."
"Do you want me to kiss it better?"
"Yes, please."
"Finally, they're gone! I can finish my job with out interruptions! A-hem. Within a few vorns of the Cube's destruction, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world... What's that clanging noise? I'd better find out..."
"Oooh Unicron! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Unicron!"
"Primus!"
"Ack! My eyes! My eyes!"
"He left quick."
"Do you think we scarred him?"
"No. Ooohhh.... Do that again!"
"As you wish."
"I'm never, ever doing anything like this again. Right, the only way out is to finish the history, so pick up there... Within a few vorns of the Cube's destruction, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world. Thus, bringing an end to the history of Cybertron. And I'm out of here!"
Rating: R for minor cursing and sex references.
Characters: Narrator (oc), Unicron, Primus
Pairings: Unicron/Primus, references to Prowl/Jazz and Megatron/Optimus
Universe: 2007 movie
Warnings: References to sex between (perceived as) male alien robots, a few curse words, and a scarred-for-life Narrator.
Words: 1,820 (All dialog)
Disclaimer: Not mine, other than the Narrator.
Summary: The history of Cybertron, with Unicron and Primus!
Author's Note: A quick guide to who's speaking - Narrator, Unicron, Primus.
"In the beginning, there was the Cube...."
"Actually, in the beginning, there was Primus and Unicron. And they had wild monkey sex."
"Unicron!"
"What? We did!"
"Yes, but you can't say that! This is based on a kids' tv show. Keep it clean!"
"I'd like to hear you put it better."
"Umm.... Unicron and Primus joined their essences."
"Our essences? Primus, that sounds kinda kinky...."
"Unicron...."
"Alright, alright. Go on."
"Unicron and Primus joined their essences and from that celestial union came the Cube. And it was square."
"Is 'And it was square' code for 'and it was a pain in the aft to give birth to?'"
"If I say no..."
"I'll call you a liar."
"Fine. Yes."
"May I continue?"
"Certainly."
"Sure, go ahead. Don't let us stop you."
"The Cube summoned metal and energy to itself. And thus was formed Cybertron."
"Cybertron wasn't formed like that."
"No?"
"Nah. Cybertron was formed by Primus folding into a ball and letting his shell-wing things cover him. The Cube forming Cybertron is a bunch of bull."
"..."
"Continue, please."
"The Cube shaped parts of the metal, forming the first Cybertronians and giving them a each a task. The first, Prima, was to rule with her consort, Duatron, beside her. The others were to learn, to teach, to build, to create, and to raise younglings. Thus Cybertronian society began."
"They left out the Fallen! I can't believe it!"
"Vector's missing, too."
"Yeah, but what kinda story is it without warning people about raising the Fallen?"
"Considering that we're not in it, are you really so surprised? Besides, I thought you liked Fallen."
"When you put it that way, no. And I do like Fallen, but getting all my stuff fireproofed is expensive!"
"This version's probably going to skip the Quintessons, too."
"Who?"
"The Quints? A race of squid looking mechanoid things that once enslaved most of Cybertron. Like to accuse people of stupid crimes and sentance them to death despite of the verdict. They've good with lemon and tartar sauce, too."
"....I don't want to know...."
"You ate Quintessa."
"Yup."
"I can't take you anywhere."
"It's Quintessa. It's not like it was someplace important."
"Still, you could've let me know."
"So I have to clear my dinner plans with you?"
"That's not what I meant! I just don't want to be the last to know these kind of things."
"Hey, I'm not the one who chooses to stay in stasis for eons at a time."
"What happens if I move?"
"Quakes, destruction, mechs getting caught in gears... Oh. I see your point."
"Good."
"Now that this little...interlude is over, I'll just return to the History of Cybertron. The thing we're supposed to be focused on."
"Very well."
"....."
"Is something the matter?"
"I... have lost my place. In the book."
"Muwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop that."
"But it's funny!"
"I think I'll pick up with the reign of Nova Prime."
"I remember Nova. Bit of a prick."
"Hey, you chose him."
"Don't remind me."
"A-hem."
"My apologies."
"....Sorry."
"Nova Prime championed the expanding Cybertronian territory into the unexplored space beyond Cybertron's own stellar system. He..."
"Wanted to conquer and enslave all non-Cybertronian races, believing they were inherently less... evolved or valuable than Cybertronians."
"Sounds like Megatron."
"I know."
"Why'd you pick him?"
"Best of a bad lot, really. All of the others who could handle the responsibility and were capable of taking the Matrix were... messed up. Lots of xenophobic and xenocidal mechs and femmes in that batch. Unfortunately, only contact with a sentient organic species could cure that and I don't do organics."
"What about Trion?"
"What?"
"Alpha Trion. If your choices were so bad, why didn't you ask him?"
"Do you know how many times he's turned down the Matrix?"
"No."
"Neither do I. I stopped counting when it got into the thousands."
"Thousands?"
"Yup."
"Damn....."
"Language."
"Primus, the kiddies you're so worried about have probably heard that or worse at school. Me saying it isn't going to hurt anything."
"Still, watch your language."
"Fine! .... I better get some tonight."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Back to Nova Prime, then. Nova Prime encouraged expeditions into uncharted space beyond Cybertron's stellar system. These journeys resulted in massive expansion for the growing Cybertronian Empire. Unfortunately, while commanding a mission of exploration, Nova and his crew vanished. They are presumed dead."
"Memo to me: Get someone to accurately re-write the Cybertronian histories. Make sure they know that Nova's not dead."
"What?"
"I said, Nova's not dead. He un-creatively renamed himself Nemesis Prime, though. Hey Unicron? How many Nemesis Primes have we had?"
"Hmmm.... I've lost count. I think it's the same number as the amount of times Optimus Prime has come back from the dead."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's less than that."
"True. Optimus is metaphysical equivalent of one of those inflatable punching bags with clowns or other characters on 'em. You can't keep him dead!"
"You are exaggerating."
"No, I'm understating."
"Optimus hasn't come back from the dead that many times."
"When was the last time you counted?"
"A while ago..."
"Check the numbers again."
"Fine, but I'm sure it's only the once or twice that I.. .... Hoo-boy. What the slag have you been doing, Optimus?"
"Now who needs to watch their language?"
"Mute it."
"And my corruption of the universe continues. Muwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"That was a good evil laugh."
"Thanks, I've been practicing."
"It sho-"
"Guys! Let's get back on topic - the history of Cybertron."
"Fine, fine. Whatever."
"Very well."
"The next Prime was Sentinel Prime. He was noted for his dedication to justice."
"Ha! If Sentinel had been more dedicated to justice, he would've arrested the Senate!"
"Agreed. I never intended for the Prime to be bound to the Senate and certainly not as tightly as Sentinel was. The Prime serves the law, yes, but the first duty of a Prime is to the citizens of Cybertron. All of the citizens of Cybertron, not just the rich or the powerful."
"But at least his reign was peaceful..."
"Mostly."
"Moving on... Sentinel's successors were Optimus Prime and Megatron, whose rule saw the end of the Golden Age and the start of the Great War."
"Or the big guns!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Look, Cybertronian society - for all that it was mostly peaceful - wasn't exactly stable towards the end of Sentinel's Prime-acy. There was a lot of unseen decay, wide spread corruption, high unemployment, the rich were getting richer and larger sections of the lower classes were getting poorer and poorer. Not a good state for a lasting society."
"I can see that."
"So, Primus sent Opt and Megs in."
"Sent them in?"
"I do choose the Primes and who is sparked when. It wasn't hard."
"Why?"
"Those two... they're our best catalyst for change. And Cybertronian society needed to change, or it'd collapse."
"And that'd be bad. Very bad. Releasing the Fallen bad."
"Unfortunately, the problems were too well entrenched."
"So, we had Megs knock those problems down. And a lot of other stuff, too."
"Optimus' sense self-sacrifice got a bit out of hand, though."
"He was supposed to bond with Megatron, not try to kill himself."
"Blame that one on the Council. The whole 'Primes must be pure' rule is slag. Why do I care if the Prime is bonded or not? It's more a matter of how well they can do their job."
"Next time, give Optimus a few more explicit instructions."
"I might."
"Good."
"As interesting as all this is, can I continue?"
"Yes."
"What I don't get, Primus, is why it's so hard to get those two together."
"Must we do this now?"
"Yes."
"Very well...."
"It should be easier to get Optimus and Megatron together than... oh, say Prowl and Jazz. After all, Optimus and Megatron were originally one spark, way back when we were first making sparks. Correct?"
"Ye~es...."
"So why don't they just kinda 'drift' back together?"
"Besides free will? Not a clue."
"That's it! Next time, I'm locking them in a closet together until they fuck each other."
"Unicron! Language!"
"Fine. Until they "bond" each other. Better?"
"Much."
".... You're not protesting my idea."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I was going to ask if you wanted or needed help with that."
"Oh. .... For a God of Light, you're certainly sneaky."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Right. Moving on.... During the course of the war, Optimus decided that the destruction of Cybertron's most important artifact - the Cube - was preferable to its capture by the Decepticon forces."
"He didn't have a lot of choices, not if he wanted to end the war without genocide."
"True."
"To that end, Optimus sent the source of all Cybertronian life to its doom."
"Funny, I don't feel dead."
"Or to me...."
"Unicron! Quit groping me in public!"
"So I can grope you in private?"
"... Yes. And as often as you'd like."
"Are they really gods or just giant, horny kids?"
"Hey!"
"I heard that!"
"I call 'em like I see them. Now, let's continue... Upon his deactivation, Optimus Prime was succeeded by a young Rodimus Prime. Under the new Prime's command, the Autobots clashed with the Decepticon forces led by Galvatron. Within a few war-filled vorns, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world."
"For now."
"What do you mean, 'for now'? There is no future for the Cybertronians! They wiped themselves out!"
"For now."
"What does that mean?!"
"It means the situation's only temporary. There will be another history of Cybertron soon enough."
"Ok, I've had enough of you both. Come here."
"Wait! What are you d-mumph! Mumph!"
"Did you just duct-tape Primus' mouth shut?"
"Yes."
"Marry me."
"Mumph! Mumph-mumph!"
"You're not serious."
"No, I'm not. Primus is enough mech for me!"
"Mumph...."
"Good."
"Now if you'll excuse us, Mr. Narrator, Primus and I need to work on re-starting Cybertron's history."
"Whatever."
"Let's get your mouth free, Primus. As kinky as this is, I want to hear you scream my name..."
"OW! Unicron, that hurt! Don't you know better than to just rip duct tape off of someone's mouth?"
"We're made of metal."
"... It still hurt."
"Do you want me to kiss it better?"
"Yes, please."
"Finally, they're gone! I can finish my job with out interruptions! A-hem. Within a few vorns of the Cube's destruction, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world... What's that clanging noise? I'd better find out..."
"Oooh Unicron! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Unicron!"
"Primus!"
"Ack! My eyes! My eyes!"
"He left quick."
"Do you think we scarred him?"
"No. Ooohhh.... Do that again!"
"As you wish."
"I'm never, ever doing anything like this again. Right, the only way out is to finish the history, so pick up there... Within a few vorns of the Cube's destruction, the Cybertronian race annihilated itself on an alien world. Thus, bringing an end to the history of Cybertron. And I'm out of here!"
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